We have been exhilarated by the Olympics and are being awe-inspired by the Paralympics. These represent two poles of the human condition, elite athleticism in the first case and superhuman overcoming of disability in the second. However, what about the rest of us in between who fall into neither category? I advocate the forming of The Average Olympics. We would all be eligible and we could be called Averympians, the event being named The Averympics. There would need to be many classifications and an awful lot of medal ceremonies so that everyone could get a medal in case anyone felt disappointed and depressed. Christians might always come last since they would want to put others before themselves.

There could be the one hundred metre waddle for city fat cats, office chair dodge ball for executives and the high jump for dads late home from the pub. There could be the hop, skip and jump to the local fast food outlet and the supermarket marathon. Throwing the mobile phone and three kilometre back peddling might suit politicians. Relay races for benefit cheats would require many preliminary rounds. Grannies’ beach volleyball and Granpas’ sitting volleyball in age decade groups from twenty to ninety would require inclusive sub-categories for great- grannies and great-granpas in their twenties. Scotland could be the generator of a huge new global sporting enterprise. Can our politicians take up the baton and run with it?